gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
