I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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