I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
