I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
