Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
