Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
