It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
