I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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