The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
