Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
