He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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