She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
