Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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