dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
