Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
