can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
