Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Help me help you realize you are a moron
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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