I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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