sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you will always have a special place in my vag
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
