Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
