i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
