I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
