So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
