he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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