P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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