She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
