Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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