he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
