You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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