Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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