What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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