i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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