You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
