dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
