I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
