There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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