Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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