Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
