I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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