It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
