Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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