Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
