I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
