New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
