the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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