Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
