I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Randomize
