i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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