these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
