If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
