how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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