oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
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Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
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You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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