It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
