apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
