if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
