I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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